Nightflying: The Entertainment Guide

Teach your children
Delta, CO • High School English teacher Brian Havel was accused of felony child abuse after ordering a tardy student to do sit-ups and push-ups and encouraging other students to hit him when he failed to complete the punishment.

Morons on parade
Athen, GA • Demetrius Robinson was recently arrested on armed robbery, because as he was waiting for a convenience store customers to leave the store so he could rob it, he filled out an application for employment, using his real and contact information.

Choosing poorly
Santa Fe, NM • Bernie Garcia, an 83-year-old great-great grandmother, who was recently attacked while she was pumping gas at a local station, fought with and defeated a would-be purse snatcher, refusing to let go of her handbag and spraying her assailant with gasoline before he ran away.

Where the mind can go
Orem, Utah • Daniel Thompson, who was so upset by the sex, profanity and violence in movies today that he opened a video store with the raunchy scenes cut out of numerous films (until he was sued by parties in Hollywood for copyright infringement), was recently arrested after paying two 14-year-old girls for sex.

The nose knows
Bordeaux, France • Dutch winemaker Ilja Gort, claiming his nose is essential for him to produce top-quality wines, recently had his nose insured with Lloyd's of London for $8 million.

Compelling explanations
Rochester, NY • Eric Kennedy, who was recently arrested for repeatedly molesting an underage girl over a several year period, blamed his predicament on his poor eye-sight, claiming that he must have mistaken the victim for her mother, who was his live-in girlfriend.

Seeking counsel
San Diego, CA • Raul Ponce was recently charged with killing his girlfriend by stabbing her 122 times, after being arrested at his anger management class.

The crisis in the schools
New Haven, CT • Eighth-grader Michael Sheridan, an honor student who was class vice president, was recently suspended after violating the school's ban on candy sales for buying a bag of Skittles from a classmate.

Pot vs. the kettle
Gary, IN • The Reverend Robert Nichols, who for years has been teaching anger management classes for accused criminals, was recently arrested for beating his wife.

Leaders
Miami, FL • State Representative Bob Allen, who was a sponsor of legislation to increase penalties for public lewdness and indecent exposure, was recently arrested in a men's room for peering over a stall wall and offering a man $20 to let him perform oral sex on him.

Taking a bite out of crime
Chicago, IL • Treffly Coyne was recently charged with child endangerment for leaving her 2-year-old alone in her car for two minutes as she stepped out to put coins in a Salvation Army kettle, never being further than 30 feet from the vehicle and keeping the car in sight the entire time.

Sick
Lihue, Hawaii • A man who recently attempted to 'smuggle' a horse into the Wilcox Memorial Hospital, explained that he was just trying to cheer up an ailing relative by taking the patient's stallion to visit him, when he was stopped by security as he was leading the animal out of a third-floor elevator.

Just plain nuts
Wichita, KS • Local authorities are investigating the case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet seat for over two years, so long that her body had grown around the seat, and she had to be rescued by paramedics to remove it from her bottom.

Money makes the world go 'round
Harare, Zimbabwe • Due to uncontrolled inflation, (25,000% annually), the government recently began issuing bills with a value of 10 million dollars, which is the equivalent of about four U.S. dollars and not quite enough to buy a local hamburger ($6).

Cures over the rainbow
San Francisco, CA • Dr. Mark Anderson recently had his dentist license suspended after numerous complaints by female patients that he had massaged their chests to "treat jaw disorders," with his lawyer claiming that jaw pain was related not only pectoral muscles, but also to calf muscles.

Munchies in the news
Millerton, NY • Justin Vonkummer was recently arrested for speeding and reckless driving on a suspended license, explained that he lost control of his car because an Oreo cookie he was trying to dunk in a glass of milk slipped out of his fingers and he was merely trying to fish it out.

Excrementum occurrum
New York, NY • Securities trader Stephen Chang recently filed suit against an erotic dance club, claiming he was injured when a stripper giving him a lap-dance swiveled and smacked him in the face with the heel of her shoe.

Saving dangerously
Tokyo • Few people are purchasing a new piggy bank introduced by the Tomy Company, because if it's not fed often enough it explodes and scatters the contents.

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