Purity
Orlando, FL • At a recent public forum for county school board aspirants, candidate John Coney read passages from the Bible, and then to emphasize his suitability for office announced that he is still a virgin at age 53.

Enterprising artistry
Bogota, Colombia • Col. Jose Piedrahita, the anti-drug chief of Colombian airports, recently announced that a 14-inch high ornate statue of the World Cup trophy found at Bogota's International Airport was made of 24 pounds of cocaine.

Government in action
Austin, TX • To ease the crowds entering the Texas Capitol building, officials recently opened an "express" line bypassing most security precautions, for legislators, selected visitors and personnel, and anyone with a concealed weapon permit.

Issues
Boulder, CO • Abby Toll was recently convicted of taping her boyfriend's dog to a refrigerator because "he pays more attention to that dog than me!"

Values
Brockton, MA • The principal of Downey Elementary School recently suspended a 6-year-old first-grade boy for "sexual harassment" for putting two fingers inside a girl's waistband, which ultimately resulted in the school having to pay the boy a $160,000 settlement.

Family friendly fun
Beijing • In order to cope with these tight economic times, The Beijing Zoo is offering the ability of patrons to view a hippopotamus exhibit and then step into the zoo's restaurant and dine on such dishes as toe of hippopotamus, kangaroo tail, deer penis, ant soup and other such delicacies.
 
Moral justice
Al-Mubarraz, Saudi Arabia • When an agent from the notorious Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice recently approached a young couple in public to demand the woman's ID, the woman beat up the cop.

Morons on parade
Detroit, MI • Gordon Wright, 58, and two friends were recently killed going the wrong way on Interstate 94 in a Detroit suburb after allegedly stealing $45 worth of Axe beauty products from a CVS store, despite the fact that police were not pursuing them.

Crisis resolved
Opa Locka, FL • Tyrone Henry and Fermin Esson, were recently granted a patent for "saggy pants" that they say will satisfy young men's street-fashion sense yet keep wearers within legal bounds.

Instant gratification
Abu Dhabi • The German manufacturer Ex Oriente Lux AG recently set up its Gold To Go vending machine in the lobby of Abu Dhabi's Emirates Palace Hotel, offering gold coins and one-, five- and 10-gram bars of gold, based on the current world price at the time of the transaction.

Solutions
Crestview, FL • A 44-year-old man was recently charged with battery as a result of a fight with his girlfriend, during which he pinched off one of his nostrils and blew mucus and blood out of the other, splattering the matter all over her face, arms and pants.

Compelling explanations
Pittsburgh, PA • Adam Disabato, who said he is "the Messiah," was recently arrested after he drove his car into the Poale Zedeck synagogue, causing about $30,000 in damages, later telling authorities "I'm not crazy, and I don't hear voices…I just got a feeling sent by God to drive real fast for some reason."

Oops
Raleigh-Durham, NC • Two North Carolina surgeons were recently issued official "letters of concern" for a 2008 incident in which they performed a C-section on a woman who was not pregnant.

Excrementum occurrum
Bend, OR • When Deborah Dillow was late with the $150 she allegedly owed to The Bomb Squad dog waste pick-up service and appeared to be avoiding calls at her home, the Bomb Squad simply returned all the work done to that point on Dillow's property in one big pile in her front yard.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Brookville, PA • Donald Wolfe, 55, was recently charged with public drunkenness after neighbors spotted him giving "mouth-to-mouth resuscitation" to a roadkill possum along Route 36.

To protect and serve
Dallas, TX • Dallas police officer Kelly Beemer recently was charged with discharging her service revolver after officers say she fired into a squad-car floor when fellow officers tried to drive her home from a bar where she’d been drinking off-duty.

One shrimp short of a kabob
Cape Coral, FL • Clair Arthur Smith, 42, was recently charged with forgery after he allegedly tried to doctor the amount of a check he had received from Bank of America, converting the "$10.00" check to "$269,951.00."

Choosing poorly
Naperville, IL • Carly Houston, 29, was recently arrested after an early-morning dispute with a taxi driver, and, given her customary "one phone call" she chose instead to call 911 and report that she was "trapped inside a detention facility," causing police to add "abuse of 911" to the charges.

Multitasking
Cudjoe Key, FL •
Megan Barnes, 37, was arrested in March after being spotted driving erratically and finally admitted she had a razor and was giving herself a "bikini shave" as she drove.
 

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