Nightflying: The Entertainment Guide

Dear Ed:
I know you usually only deal with extreme nut-cases, and the letter from "Fraught With Indecision & Horny As They Come" in your Harvest issue attests to this. Basically, this person felt a great deal differently about his spouse than when he married her, and felt stuck in a hopeless relationship that inspired no happiness. You suggested that he "go for it" when he asked if he should just leave. My question is: what made them change from the happy newlyweds into an unhappy couple that just puts up with each other? What is your take on this, oh great font of wisdom? Do you think it's normal for people to fall out of love if it was really there? Or do you think it was really there at all in the first place? How do you explain it?
Signed,
Perplexed at human relationships
Ann Arbor, MI

Dear Perplexed:
Do I think people can fall OUT of love? Certainly…just as they can fall IN love. Truth is, love is much more than emotions at play: it's also physiological and sociological. When you consider the actual physics involved in any human interaction, you realize that a human's aura possesses a certain electrical charge - as does any living thing and more than a few dead ones as well - and when that aura interacts with anothers' aura for any length of time they can both get physiologically addicted to each other. Truth be told, a large part of 'heartache' over 'lost love' is actually physical withdrawal from this addiction. When two people 'fall in love' they're dealing with the interactions of their physical bodies, their minds and ideas, and if it's "real", eventually it is a joining of their very souls. You've heard the term "soul-mates", I'm sure. In my opinion, true "soul-mates" actually merge their personnas into one being…or soul, if you will. And when one dies, the other no longer feels whole for this reason.
Another thing I wish to point out is that the human body is a chemically-fueled machine that is entirely driven by whatever chemicals enter the system. Due to the nature of chemical reactions, the entire body chemistry is subject to being altered by whatever chemical matters it encounters. This is why use of certain chemicals is restricted…i.e., heroin or methamphetamine, due to the effects these chemicals have been observed causing in the human machine. They can make it run most erratically, to say the least, hence they are prohibited. Other chemicals, such as vitamins, have been deemed necessary for the human machine to operate at an optimum level…i.e., they're "good for you". Sometimes things actually change between two lovers due to the simple fact that their body chemistries have changed and they no longer can physically co-exist.
Sometimes it's a mental thing…in other words, their thing just no longer has that zing.
Signed,
Elaborate Ed

Dear Ed:
Are you serious? You actually suggested to Deadly Do-Do Dream Merchant he should blow up Donnie the co-worker with plastic explosives? What is this world coming to?!!! Do you not realize the noise that would cause? What about the inevitable mess? Truth is, rather than blowing him up, if he merely suffocated him there'd be no real mess to have to clean up. I mean, it's bad enough that he trained Donnie and the guy's taking his job, you know?! To leave such an incredible mess would be a real crime towards other folks, and being his co-worker, HE, himself, might be assigned the Donnie-duty. Better still, if he lured Donnie into a walk-in freezer and locked the door, there'd be no mess whatsoever. Think about this, Ed. If they got the body out while it was still frozen there wouldn't even be a stink to contend with. Fact is, that letter was from Pine Bluff anyway, where any added stink either wouldn't be noticed, or might possibly improve the usual air quality.
Signed,
Food for thought
Detroit, MI

Dear Food:
Of course you are right. Blowing Donnie up wouldn't be a pretty sight and somebody, perhaps our culprit himself, might have to clean up the mess. I like your notion about the walk-in freezer, actually. Clean. No mess. No stink. Of course, he would have to time it just right so Donnie's body was still frozen enough to dispose of before the thaw took place. But that's what watches are for, eh?! The only problem I can think of is I don't think the Pine Bluff municipal waste facility even has a walk-in freezer, but there are enough run-down dives in town that do have them this shouldn't pose a problem.
Thanks for pointing this out to me.
Signed,
Correctable Ed

Dear Ed:
Whatever became of your B.A.B.E. movement? Has it caught on? Where is the headquarters of this movement? I really want to support it and wish to donate towards their expenses. I really think girls should be able to take off their shirts in public if they wish. I mean, we all know what's under those shirts, now don't we?!
Signed,
JB Zimple
Chicago, IL

Dear JB:
The Bare All Breasts Equally movement is alive and well, and in fact, it has been on ballots in many states in this latest election cycle. Of course, it has been called many different things throughout the land, but they all amount to the same thing: the fact that our government sexually discriminates against females in our society. Ultimately, if a man wants to yank off his shirt to say, mow his front yard, he can do so without a concern. But if a female chose to do so she could be arrested for public obscenity…which basically says our government considers a woman's chest obscene. From Boston to Tokyo this issue has cropped up repeatedly. For the most part each ballot measure has been voted down, but each cycle brings around more and more supporters. In my opinion, it is only a matter of time before this governmental absurdity reaches the Supreme Court. Whether the court will agree, of course, is a matter of conjection. On its face, though, it would seem that the future holds the real possibility that, as with voters rights, women will someday be viewed as equals to their male counterparts…and will be allowed to shed their shirts in public if they wish.
Signed,
Equality-minded Ed

NAVIGATE