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![[Letters to Ed.]](http://www.nightflying.com/letters2ed.gif)
"Dear" Ed:
I've about had it with you and your phony advice column. Expecially
when you carry on about this so-called B.A.B.E. movement. I am a
God-Fearing woman and there's no way I would ever remove my shirt in
public. It's a Sin. And it's a Sin for you to be constantly promoting
it. You should be ashamed of yourself for being so dirty-minded. Go out
and repent before God or you'll find yourself Burning in Hell.
Signed,
Disgusted in Topeka
Dear Disgusted In Topeka:
Whew! Your letter strikes me as sincere and heartfelt. I apologize if I
have offended your God-Fearing concept. I do have a question for you,
though: Do you think God created Woman? Do you think He meant for His
Children to think of His Creations as "Dirty"? If you consider it, He
created the Female Breast so that each of His Children could not only
receive Nutrition after being Born and also Bond with the Mother,
rather than being cut off Cold Turkey from her after Birth. And the
Fact that all Babies, whether Male or Female, are naturally drawn to
their Mother's Breasts also suggests that Breast Attraction has little
to do with Sexual Attraction. As far as I can tell, the Bare All
Breasts Equally (B.A.B.E.) movement is more about Women's Rights than
about Sex anyway. There's supposed to be no legal difference between
sexes, and the law blatantly treats Women unfairly by holding that a
Woman's Chest in public is a Dirty Thing.
Signed,
Equality-Minded Ed
Dear Ed:
I found your Winter Daze cover utterly obscene. A race-horse flashing?
C'mon, Ed. There's nothing whatsoever funny about it. You shouldn't
even suggest that women should 'flash' in public like some do at Mardi
Gras. It's downright public obscenity, that's what it is.
Signed,
Sincerely let down
Waldo, Wisconsin
Dear Waldo,
(Excuse me…but I couldn't resist using your town as your name, but I've
had too many Dear Sincerely's through the years and I've never had a
Waldo). Let's see…a race horse dressed up with Mardi Gras attire and
beads pretending to 'flash'…personally I think it's hysterical. As to
your contentions about obscenity, please read the first letter in
today's column for my opinions. Be sure to keep writing to us, though,
as it's a treat to get something from Waldo.
Signed,
Unbelievably patient Ed
Dear Ed:
I see that Nightflying is a sponsor of SXSW now. It's great that you've
joined with such a world-class festival. I remember when it started
about nine years ago and I have actually attended once. You're going to
love it.
Signed,
Debbi in Dallas
Dear Debbi:
Actually Nightflying helped start SXSW. This publication was one of the
13 or 14 co-founding newspapers. The year was 1987 to be exact, and
you're right, it is a very cool festival, indeed. I have made a point
to attend SXSW as often as possible. In recent years I had to spend the
money on taking care of ailing family members and haven't been to SXSW
for a while. I figure that there won't be certain people around
forever, but there will always be festivals.
Signed,
Been there Ed
P.S.: I loved your movie. Are you still acting?
Dear Ed:
What's all this bs about a mysterious Nightflying Compound where the
electronics can affect the weather and sensors scan intruders for their
DNA and zap them if it doesn't register as friendly? What a bunch of
hoopla. I think you're just trying to pretend you're important. I think
you're just a guy with a computer. I think you're so full of **it your
eyes are brown.
Signed,
Benny Hill
Natchez, Mississippi
Dear Benny,
Thanks for your letter. I used to love your tv show, but I always
thought it came from England, not Mississippi. Whatever, I would have
written back sooner but our satellites were struck by a reverse
lightning reaction when we were reprogramming the compound's DNA
sensors. It happens. We have to reboot the system from time to time,
usually because someone urinated too much on the property's edge
putting far too much of a saline content on our ground activity
sensors, thereby shorting the system out and causing our satellite
upload routers to, essentially, freak out. Wouldn't you? In answer to
your suggestion, no sir, my eyes are blue…except for when they're red.
Signed,
Trouble-shooting Ed
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Nightflying
Publications
P.O. Box 250276
Little Rock, AR 72225
Phone: (501)354-8577
Fax: (501)354-1994
For advertising information (print or electronic), call, write or
E-mail to: info@nightflying.com.
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