Nightflying: The Entertainment Guide

"Dear" Ed:
I've about had it with you and your phony advice column. Expecially when you carry on about this so-called B.A.B.E. movement. I am a God-Fearing woman and there's no way I would ever remove my shirt in public. It's a Sin. And it's a Sin for you to be constantly promoting it. You should be ashamed of yourself for being so dirty-minded. Go out and repent before God or you'll find yourself Burning in Hell.
Signed,
Disgusted in Topeka

Dear Disgusted In Topeka:
Whew! Your letter strikes me as sincere and heartfelt. I apologize if I have offended your God-Fearing concept. I do have a question for you, though: Do you think God created Woman? Do you think He meant for His Children to think of His Creations as "Dirty"? If you consider it, He created the Female Breast so that each of His Children could not only receive Nutrition after being Born and also Bond with the Mother, rather than being cut off Cold Turkey from her after Birth. And the Fact that all Babies, whether Male or Female, are naturally drawn to their Mother's Breasts also suggests that Breast Attraction has little to do with Sexual Attraction. As far as I can tell, the Bare All Breasts Equally (B.A.B.E.) movement is more about Women's Rights than about Sex anyway. There's supposed to be no legal difference between sexes, and the law blatantly treats Women unfairly by holding that a Woman's Chest in public is a Dirty Thing.
Signed,
Equality-Minded Ed

Dear Ed:
I found your Winter Daze cover utterly obscene. A race-horse flashing? C'mon, Ed. There's nothing whatsoever funny about it. You shouldn't even suggest that women should 'flash' in public like some do at Mardi Gras. It's downright public obscenity, that's what it is.
Signed,
Sincerely let down
Waldo, Wisconsin

Dear Waldo,
(Excuse me…but I couldn't resist using your town as your name, but I've had too many Dear Sincerely's through the years and I've never had a Waldo). Let's see…a race horse dressed up with Mardi Gras attire and beads pretending to 'flash'…personally I think it's hysterical. As to your contentions about obscenity, please read the first letter in today's column for my opinions. Be sure to keep writing to us, though, as it's a treat to get something from Waldo.
Signed,
Unbelievably patient Ed

Dear Ed:
I see that Nightflying is a sponsor of SXSW now. It's great that you've joined with such a world-class festival. I remember when it started about nine years ago and I have actually attended once. You're going to love it.
Signed,
Debbi in Dallas

Dear Debbi:
Actually Nightflying helped start SXSW. This publication was one of the 13 or 14 co-founding newspapers. The year was 1987 to be exact, and you're right, it is a very cool festival, indeed. I have made a point to attend SXSW as often as possible. In recent years I had to spend the money on taking care of ailing family members and haven't been to SXSW for a while. I figure that there won't be certain people around forever, but there will always be festivals.
Signed,
Been there Ed
P.S.: I loved your movie. Are you still acting?

Dear Ed:
What's all this bs about a mysterious Nightflying Compound where the electronics can affect the weather and sensors scan intruders for their DNA and zap them if it doesn't register as friendly? What a bunch of hoopla. I think you're just trying to pretend you're important. I think you're just a guy with a computer. I think you're so full of **it your eyes are brown.
Signed,
Benny Hill
Natchez, Mississippi

Dear Benny,
Thanks for your letter. I used to love your tv show, but I always thought it came from England, not Mississippi. Whatever, I would have written back sooner but our satellites were struck by a reverse lightning reaction when we were reprogramming the compound's DNA sensors. It happens. We have to reboot the system from time to time, usually because someone urinated too much on the property's edge putting far too much of a saline content on our ground activity sensors, thereby shorting the system out and causing our satellite upload routers to, essentially, freak out. Wouldn't you? In answer to your suggestion, no sir, my eyes are blue…except for when they're red.
Signed,
Trouble-shooting Ed

NAVIGATE