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![[Letters to Ed.]](http://www.nightflying.com/letters2ed.gif)
Dear Comrade Ed:
I am writing to you from USSR (or what used to be
USSR) where, as you probably know, there is great change taking place
in our "way of life." My family lives on (formerly) state-owned hog,
beet, and cabbage farm in state of Georgia. I understand that you have
similar state in your country and your working class is in many ways
similar to ours. Our way of life will soon be changed and we have
little idea of what to expect.
We have never voted on our leadership in any real
way and have decided to look to you for advice in choosing people who
will represent us in government. What do you suggest we look for as to
qualities desirable in our political leaders?
Signed,
Ivan and Boys
Georgia, (USSR)
Dear Ivan,
Thanks for writing...see if any of these tips help:
1. When candidates are asked direct questions, look for direct answers.
If their responses sound like they didn't understand the question,
don't vote for them; they're either stupid or they're avoiding the
issue.
2. Beware the candidate who never says "I don't know."
3. Avoid candidates who make promises.
4. Vote for candidates who say "I will try to...."
5. Never vote for a candidate who has more bad to say about his opponent than he has good to say for himself.
6. Don't be suckered in by a person who represents special
inter¬est groups...you may not be among those in his next group of
"special interests."
7. Always vote.
Signed,
A Watchful Ed
Dear Ed:
I'm often the object of jeers and catcalls when I am
among other people. My nose is, I suppose by some standards, rather
short...that is to say, it consists of two round, gaping holes
positioned directly over my upper lip, which is blessed with a
luxurious growth of flowing black nose hair, which I sometimes wear in
braids.
My ears are pointed and are positioned face-forward
near my eye sockets. My brow is deeply furrowed and my thighs are
heavily muscled.
I am an avid reader of Mad magazine and other
perverse comix as well as being well-read in the classic works of
literature (such as the entire Danielle Steele collection and
Nightflying). My buttocks are positioned rather highly on my posterior
regions and are so firm that I am able to walk for miles with a jigger
of fine cognac perched there as a reward for my diligence in having
worked out. I rarely spill a drop. My question to you is: What should I
do about my hair? My boofie-do sometimes wilts before I even make it to
the mall for the weekend promenade. How will I ever fit in with my peer
group if my boof won't stand up? I need help and it's gotta be soon.
Signed,
Bad Hair Day
Memphis, TN
Dear Bad Hair:
Let me suggest a mixture of egg whites, Cream of
Wheat, vinegar, and two cups of ready-mix cement. Stir briskly until
the mixture has an oatmeal-like consistency. Slather the mixture
liberally over your entire scalp. Let dry for approximately one-half
hour, then voila! a beauty secret for hair care to die for. Lastly, and
most important, take a large brown paper bag and slip it over your
head. This should ensure at least a minor improvement in your
peer-group approval rating. And remember, when all else fails, one can
always lower one's expectations and live with dogs, badgers, or other
beasts whose standards regarding personal hygiene will be more closely
aligned with your abilities to meet them.
Signed,
Good Luck, (but Don't Be
Disappointed When the Hounds
Bay at Your Window at Dawn) Ed
Dear Flabby,
This whole sexual harassment thing has really got me mixed up...
Just what the hell is it anyway? Lemme give you a hypothetical for instance for example;
1. If somebody at work comes on to me and I say okay...that's not harassment, right?
2. But if somebody comes on to me and I say no; then that is harassment...right?
3. Or if I come on to somebody and they say
yes but later on they refuse to come across with the "Goods"... leaving
me confused, frustrated, lied to, and horny as a cloistered
he-goat...have I been harassed?
4. How do you say harassment? harr-assment or Harr-ass-ment or harass-ment?
5. Does it have one "R" and two "S's" or two
"R's" and two "S's" or two "R's" and one "S" or what?
6. What kind of word is this, anyway?
7. Are you a bad guy if you harass? The
newspapers said that our troops in the The Iraq war operation were
harassing the Iraqi troops;
8. Weren't we the good guys there?
I've got this friend who's real smart and went to
college for three semesters. I asked him to define harassment. Here's
what he said: "Harass... M F 'to set dogs on' (O F 'hare') to trouble,
worry, or torment as with debts, questions, etc; to exhaust, fatigue,
or annoy persistently; to repeatedly raid or attack."
I thanked him, but now I'm real confused...dogs,
rabbits, trouble, torment, annoyance, exhaustion, attacks...this word
harassment, seems like it can mean about anything you want it to mean.
This might be the problem with the whole "sexual harassment" thing.
It's only harassment if the person who is being harassed says it's
harassment...if you'd just call it something a little more specific, a
little less ambiguous....
Maybe you ought to hold one of those contests where
you give away money to the entrant with the best new phrase.
Anyway, just thought I'd drop you a line or two and
see if you can straighten out this mess. I'm still confused, but I feel
better already for having gotten this of my chest. Whew! What a
relief...gee, Ed, you really are a great "release valve." In fact, I
think most people underestimate your worth to society.
You know what? I think I'll just nominate you for
the Nobel Release Prize, get it? Ha, ha, ha... So, what do you think,
Ed? Please respond on this "sexual harassment" thing as soon as
possible; there's this supervisor where I work who is a morphodite
transvestied bi-sexual sado-masochist and I'd really like to get it on
with this person, but I think you can see the problem with an asexual
dominatrix foot-fetishist like me getting involved with someone whose
sexuality is as confusing as his/hers is. After all, (9) what would we
name the kids? Mary Joseph? Robert Denise? Jo-Joe?
Signed,
Mentally Harassed
Dear Mental:
You certainly raise some interesting points here.
I'll do my best to answer: 1. right; 2. no; 3. maybe; 4. any of the
three; 5. one "R" and two "S's;" 6. French; 7. not necessarily; 8.
sometimes; 9. Bobby or Gene/Jean.
Signed,
Anymore Correspondence on this Topic Will Be Considered Harassment Ed
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