Nightflying: The Entertainment Guide

Dear Comrade Ed:
    I am writing to you from USSR (or what used to be USSR) where, as you probably know, there is great change taking place in our "way of life." My family lives on (formerly) state-owned hog, beet, and cabbage farm in state of Georgia. I understand that you have similar state in your country and your working class is in many ways similar to ours. Our way of life will soon be changed and we have little idea of what to expect.
    We have never voted on our leadership in any real way and have decided to look to you for advice in choosing people who will represent us in government. What do you suggest we look for as to qualities desirable in our political leaders?
Signed,
Ivan and Boys
Georgia, (USSR)

Dear Ivan,
    Thanks for writing...see if any of these tips help:
1. When candidates are asked direct questions, look for direct answers. If their responses sound like they didn't understand the question, don't vote for them; they're either stupid or they're avoiding the issue.
2. Beware the candidate who never says "I don't know."
3. Avoid candidates who make promises.
4. Vote for candidates who say "I will try to...."
5. Never vote for a candidate who has more bad to say about his opponent than he has good to say for himself.
6. Don't be suckered in by a person who represents special inter¬est groups...you may not be among those in his next group of "special interests."
7. Always vote.
Signed,
A Watchful Ed

Dear Ed:
    I'm often the object of jeers and catcalls when I am among other people. My nose is, I suppose by some standards, rather short...that is to say, it consists of two round, gaping holes positioned directly over my upper lip, which is blessed with a luxurious growth of flowing black nose hair, which I sometimes wear in braids.
    My ears are pointed and are positioned face-forward near my eye sockets. My brow is deeply furrowed and my thighs are heavily muscled.
    I am an avid reader of Mad magazine and other perverse comix as well as being well-read in the classic works of literature (such as the entire Danielle Steele collection and Nightflying). My buttocks are positioned rather highly on my posterior regions and are so firm that I am able to walk for miles with a jigger of fine cognac perched there as a reward for my diligence in having worked out. I rarely spill a drop. My question to you is: What should I do about my hair? My boofie-do sometimes wilts before I even make it to the mall for the weekend promenade. How will I ever fit in with my peer group if my boof won't stand up? I need help and it's gotta be soon.
Signed,
Bad Hair Day
Memphis, TN

Dear Bad Hair:
    Let me suggest a mixture of egg whites, Cream of Wheat, vinegar, and two cups of ready-mix cement. Stir briskly until the mixture has an oatmeal-like consistency. Slather the mixture liberally over your entire scalp. Let dry for approximately one-half hour, then voila! a beauty secret for hair care to die for. Lastly, and most important, take a large brown paper bag and slip it over your head. This should ensure at least a minor improvement in your peer-group approval rating. And remember, when all else fails, one can always lower one's expectations and live with dogs, badgers, or other beasts whose standards regarding personal hygiene will be more closely aligned with your abilities to meet them.
Signed,
Good Luck, (but Don't Be
Disappointed When the Hounds
Bay at Your Window at Dawn) Ed

Dear Flabby,
    This whole sexual harassment thing has really got me mixed up...
    Just what the hell is it anyway? Lemme give you a hypothetical for instance for example;
    1. If somebody at work comes on to me and I say okay...that's not harassment, right?
    2. But if somebody comes on to me and I say no; then that is harassment...right?
    3. Or if I come on to somebody and they say yes but later on they refuse to come across with the "Goods"... leaving me confused, frustrated, lied to, and horny as a cloistered he-goat...have I been harassed?
    4. How do you say harassment? harr-assment or Harr-ass-ment or harass-ment?
    5. Does it have one "R" and two "S's" or two "R's" and two "S's" or two "R's" and one "S" or what?
    6. What kind of word is this, anyway?
    7. Are you a bad guy if you harass? The newspapers said that our troops in the The Iraq war operation were harassing the Iraqi troops;
    8. Weren't we the good guys there?
    I've got this friend who's real smart and went to college for three semesters. I asked him to define harassment. Here's what he said: "Harass... M F 'to set dogs on' (O F 'hare') to trouble, worry, or torment as with debts, questions, etc; to exhaust, fatigue, or annoy persistently; to repeatedly raid or attack."
    I thanked him, but now I'm real confused...dogs, rabbits, trouble, torment, annoyance, exhaustion, attacks...this word harassment, seems like it can mean about anything you want it to mean. This might be the problem with the whole "sexual harassment" thing. It's only harassment if the person who is being harassed says it's harassment...if you'd just call it something a little more specific, a little less ambiguous....
    Maybe you ought to hold one of those contests where you give away money to the entrant with the best new phrase.
    Anyway, just thought I'd drop you a line or two and see if you can straighten out this mess. I'm still confused, but I feel better already for having gotten this of my chest. Whew! What a relief...gee, Ed, you really are a great "release valve." In fact, I think most people underestimate your worth to society.
    You know what? I think I'll just nominate you for the Nobel Release Prize, get it? Ha, ha, ha... So, what do you think, Ed? Please respond on this "sexual harassment" thing as soon as possible; there's this supervisor where I work who is a morphodite transvestied bi-sexual sado-masochist and I'd really like to get it on with this person, but I think you can see the problem with an asexual dominatrix foot-fetishist like me getting involved with someone whose sexuality is as confusing as his/hers is. After all, (9) what would we name the kids? Mary Joseph? Robert Denise? Jo-Joe?
Signed,
Mentally Harassed

Dear Mental:
    You certainly raise some interesting points here. I'll do my best to answer: 1. right; 2. no; 3. maybe; 4. any of the three; 5. one "R" and two "S's;" 6. French; 7. not necessarily; 8. sometimes; 9. Bobby or Gene/Jean.
Signed,
Anymore Correspondence on this Topic Will Be Considered Harassment Ed

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