Nightflying: The Entertainment Guide

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ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
    You find your Kit but lose your Kaboodle. The harsh reality of having a Kit with no Kaboodle drives you into the throes of anguish-ridden nightmares. Mid-month grants you a brief respite when you are allowed by friends to Swash but not to Buckle. Nobody said life would be easy…
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
    You barely escape serious injury when you are stricken by a rare mental illness known as Handle-Mania, which is characterized by the uncontrollable need to run backwards naked into doorknobs…
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
    Domestic tranquillity is almost shattered when you come home drunk, and wake to find that you have gone home to 1st ex-wife's house instead of present 2nd wife's house. You are saved by 1st ex-wife's third husband who gives you a ride home and dumps you outside your correct address with a note pinned to your sweater that reads "Don't Pay The Ransom - I Escaped…"
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
    Your fondest dreams are realized when you are introduced to the Arkansas Razorback football team; in fact, you become so well-acquainted with them that you are red-shirted after your performance at the party following the University of Texas game. You cherish the trophy which reads "She gave her all to the team…"
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
    Only time will heal the wounds left after you foolishly marry an Egyptian National whose only motive is to gain U.S. Citizenship. You recover for short periods by relapse each time the kids call you "Mummy..."
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
    Your need for companionship, affection and financial security is only partially met when your pet poodle happily falls in love with your leg every time you enter the room but flatly refuses to get a job…
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
    That time-honored adage - money can't buy love - is finally disproved when you meet, fall head-over-heels-for, and are married to a hooker over on 9th Street. On the 28th services are conducted by the counter clerk at the adult book store. The lovebirds honeymoon in a car on the back parking lot and sadly break up one hour later…
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
    Sorry...this ain't your month. A trip to an illiterate tattoo artist produces disastrous results: "Born To Lose." Also, tiny babies are often frightened by the huge wart on the side of your nose that is larger than a plum and is the same color…
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
    You finally assert your individuality against advice of friends, family and employers. You grow that full, bushy, handle-bar mustache you've always wanted. You shave it off later when your 5-year-old says "Gosh, Mom, you look just like Burger with a dress on…"
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
    Your breath kills small animals at large. Your ankles are reminiscent of the massive columns that support the Parthenon...your Grecian nose more closely resembles the boot-heel of Italy...your social behavior is repugnant to reptiles and mammals alike...for decades people scatter at rumors of your arrival and your only friends are one-celled micro-organism with only marginally acceptable personal taste…
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
    Your fortune's hit an all-time low. You will sleep this month in the gutter...canned cat-food will be your only substance. You will cry out for help to no avail. Time will march on with no improvement...and passersby will kick you as you lie helpless in the street. Don't bother calling emergency-911, they've been instructed to hang up on you. The moral here is don't never call me a fraudulent old fat-butt again...
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
    You have no fortune this month, which expresses your true worth...so sayeth The Gypsy Woman...

© 1988 Nightflying Publications

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