ARIES

(March 21-April 19)

            Forever young at heart, blithe of spirit and unafraid to ask any question, the intellectually bent Aries begs for conversation, give-and-take, exchange of ideas...for example: "You dress up like Maid Marian; I'll dress up like Robin Hood. You act coy and I beg: 'Let me just put one arrow in your quiver...'"

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)

            For you this month could be strange! Example: fairly normal Taurus, unliked by friends, suddenly has good fortune, joins amateur hockey league, gets new transportation, falls in the mud, acquires a new pet, received Mark Twain book from an acquaintance, has plastic surgery, becomes a union fruit picker, receives an award at work for being the most obvious ass kisser in the office, and gets a raise.

Schmuck lucks, pucks, buys truck, lands in muck, gets domesticated duck, reads about Huck, gets a tuck, plucks, and finally sucks...the result is big bucks. Yuk...

GEMINI

(May 21-June 20)

            This is a time for slowing down, cutting back, and looking ahead. The Twin only finds the cure for cancer, AIDS, and cystic fibrosis this month, while toying with inexpensive household products. The cures cost pennies and Gemini donates all the profits to a "Save The Cancer" society...slow action for the Gemini, but not bad by most standards, not bad at all...

CANCER

(June 21-July 22)

            Actually the Cancer is not as goofy as appearances might indicate. Note: fairly new, operating transportation, spouse w/job, well-dressed, well-fed...well off by most standards. What me worry? The Cancer...

LEO

(July 23-August 22)

            Quit yer gripin' will ya! Of course I always say creepy stuff about Leos, look who I'm dealin' with...you're so damned self-absorbed that you never even notice the fact that every sign gets trashed just like you...everybody...not just you...got it? Quit whinin', okay?

VIRGO

(August 23-September 22)           

            Gypsy Woman regrets to tell Virgo that the news for you ain't fit to print...best of luck.

LIBRA

(September 23-October 22)

            Lemme make it short and sweet; the eleven other signs voted and, sorry, but your sign is cancelled...

SCORPIO

(October 23-November 21)

            Scorpios will discover marked improvement in social skills, earning them much-longed-for membership in the Country Club...unfortunately the Country is Iraq...

SAGITTARIUS

(November 22-December 21)

            Starting right...NOW...all Sags have kooties...you're it...verrrbotten, taboo, jock itch...henceforth shall you be known as...Doo-Doo-Head...

CAPRICORN

(December 22-January 19)

            Mange-ridden, pigeon-toed, impotent, web-footed, cat-beshatted, wart-infested, and incapable of caring for yourself, you will throw yourself from a craggy precipice which proves too low to be fatal...a hopeless cripple, you roam the streets of your home town until at long last you are picked up by Animal Control. Unsuccessful attempts at putting you to sleep at the Humane Society Shelter leave you simple-minded and ugly to behold. Fate intervenes at the eleventh hour and well-meaning, psychopathic, yet well-paid advertising consultants mold you into a viable candidate for a coveted electoral office...just goes to shoe...scum floats to the top...

AQUARIUS

(January 20-February 18)

            Your dreams seem about to come true. You've finally caused your spouse to die of causes too numerous to mention. The grandchild whom you were awarded legal guardianship of, after successfully fooling the court by lies, false evidence, and cheap courtroom theatrics, ends up in the state pen...your manipulative and controlling behavior at last brings your karma home to you...your nose falls off for no known medical reason...you are left alone and helpless with only two gaping, dark and hairless nostrils through which the world can readily view your evil mind and its purpose. Alas, you just wanted to have your way...

PISCES

(February 19-March 20)

            In the unwavering belief that the pen is mightier than the sword, you, like an idiot, accept a challenge to duel it out with a professional fencing instructor from L. A. Armed only with a Bic ball-point, you meet the master of épee on the killing ground with a blind dwarf as your second. Your tombstone reads:

            "Here lies Pisces

            Dumb as a clod

            All his blood leaked out

            Through the punctures in his butt"

(it don't rhyme, but neither does a duck)...