Nightflying: The Entertainment Guide

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ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
    Your entrepreneurial skills shine through when your bid to replace all the scandalized televangelists is pronounced a resounding success by Phil Donahue. Your up-front confession with regard to accusations that you are a transvestite, is widely regarded as a stroke of media genius.
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
    Ah, the sign of the Bull, and I do mean Bull. Prospects for your ever telling the truth range from slim to none. Don't despair however, as this quality could land you a job with the National Enquirer.
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
    Perfection personified, that's Gemini... But beware those who might envy your perfection...when one has no flaws, other's imperfections seem magnified. Keep your flawless chin up and continue to make absolutely impeccable life decisions. Keep on outshinin' your inferiors and sharing your intellectual wealth with the idiotic unwashed masses.
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
    A gin-induced religious experience causes you to invest your entire fortune in "The Bagway Rashneesh Yogurt Franchise." Pyramid schemes however, are only profitable when the investor enters the scheme early on. You were the very last one. Thanks a lot sucker!!!
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
    The fruits of fortune turn sour when an unexpected onset of Tourette's Syndrome causes you to lose that much needed job at the City Library. Prosperity returns at mid-month, however, when Hollywood producers mistake your illness for an uncanny ability to curse purposely at inappropriate times. You are immediately signed to write comedy material for Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor.
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
    Gosh, you Virgos have all the luck. Financial prospects are great. Your love-life is blissful. Your mind is at peace and all is right with the world. Unfortunately the writer of the column is a pathological liar.
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
    In the belief that if you can't say something good about somebody don't say anything at all, well.......
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
    Problems in the workplace cause problems at home. Problems at home cause feelings of depression. Mounting evidence confirms legitimate feelings of self-loathing. Financial problems are compounded by divorce at mid-month and just when things seem at their worst, they get worse.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
    A mistaken self-impression that you are irresistible to the opposite sex causes you to have even more drinks than usual to be tossed in your face. The continuing dampness of your clothing sets up ideal conditions for a plant-like fungus that grows out of the front of your shirt where your manly chest hairs are supposed to be. You smell very much like a wet, abandoned dog. Stay home more. Consider the dilemma of Onan.
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
    Tempers flair! Your inability to keep your mouth shut causes former friends to abandon you to a pack of rabid pit bulls. You are almost saved at the last minute but promises to have your mouth wired shut bring gales of laughter from your companions, rendering them incapable of coming to your aid. Ironically, you are entirely eaten except for your lips.
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
    Financial prospects soar when you find a wallet with $20,000 in it on the crosstown bus. Unfortunately you are beaten senseless 15 seconds later when the drug-crazed Chicano narcotics dealer who dropped it sees you counting his money. The insensitive creep doesn't even offer a reward. Remain hospitalized throughout the month.
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
    Your unmitigated gall and lack of social skills are at last rewarded. Your lack of intellect and shameless disregard for the truth lead to success in the political arena. Congratulations, Senator.

© 1988 Nightflying Publications

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Little Rock, AR 72225
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