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When our vices
leave us,
we flatter ourselves with the credit
of having left them...
---La
Rochefoucauld
---Maxims, 192
ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
It grieves the Gypsy Woman deeply to be the bearer
of such awful news, but the Gypsy Woman must re-veal what is seen. Your
marriage is over, you'll be fired from your high-paying job and be
forced to sleep under a bridge. Your health will fail as will your
eyesight. Your former friends will abandon you as will your family.
Lice will be your only companions.
But cheer up. All is not lost. Before long it will
be Holiday season and there will be more to dive for in city
dumpsters.
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
Your stubbornness brings you continuing trou-ble in
personal and business relationships. Your need to domi-neer and control
drives people away in every en-deavor. These traits in and of
themselves are not necessar-ily bad. Unfortunately, you are stupid too.
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
Lemme see...what can be said about the Gemini that
hasn't been said before. Comely in appearance, buff of body, pure of
mind, clear of conscience, kind to animals and old folks. Scratch a
genius, find a Gemini. Gemini, thy name is Groovy...
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
This is the most unpleasant time of the year for the
Gypsy Woman. This is the time when what is seen must be revealed.
Cancers suck. They steal things they don't need...commit random acts of
yukiness against total strangers...they lie when the truth would serve
better. Can-cers can't be trusted to get a loaf of bread from the store
and bring back the change.
On the flip side, you can never lose your wallet or
purse around a Cancer, 'cause they always know ex-actly where it
is...
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
Of all members of the great unwashed masses that the
Gypsy Woman is forced to associate with from time to time, Leo's are by
far the bitchiest and whiniest. You know what they say...they say "Hey
- how 'bout giv-ing Leos a break this month Gypsy Woman, we ain't so
bad...we're people you know..." Okay. So here it goes. Leo's are all
very, very nice. There you are. Are you happy now? Do you really think
I care?
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
Virgos should be branded with a scarlet "D" for
Dumbass. I knew a Virgo one time who wrote a bank rob-bery note on his
own deposit slip. I knew a Virgo once who wanted to study cosmetology
because he was fasci-nated with the planets and
stars.
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
When you get right down to it Libras are not re-ally
all that bad. They're just sorta bland, actually. They can't make up
their minds about anything and they strad-dle the fence so much they
often invest in a saddle. One thing about it, you can always count on
the Libra to take your side...but only every other
time...
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Sign of the poison bug, Scorpios are creepy as hell,
back-stabbers, dirty dealers...the skunks of the Zo-diac. When the
ce-lestial signs were being drawn up the sign of the WEASEL only lost
by one vote.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Call me an incurable optimist but I really think
that things could be lookin' up for you Sagittarians this month. That
unsightly acne that has been repulsing people for years may clear up.
Your toenail fungus will run its course and that rapid hair loss that
you've been complain-ing about will finally leave you completely bald
and POOF! - your hair cares will be over.
And people say I never say anything good about
Sagittarius!!!
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
Vanity is what the Capricorn is most known for. They
spend a fortune and waste hours of valuable time get-ting their drivers
license photo re-shot. They refuse to go to work on bad hair
days...they go to the emergency room for a broken nail and bandage
their entire head at the first sign of a zit. Of course, this does
usually improve their looks dramatically...
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
Wouldn't it be great if you just woke up tomor-row
and you were a Gemini? But that's not gonna happen now is it? You're
just gonna be an Aquarius all your lousy, un-productive and futile
life, and there ain't nothin' you can do about it.
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
There actually IS one good thing that can be said
about Pisces...Cancers are worse...'cause they DO bathe bi-annually and
change their socks on New Year's Eve. Pisces is most happy when
wallowing in a Poland China hog-sty. Give 'em some ran-cid slop and
just sit back and watch the ecstasy.
Which, I guess, is rather entertaining, so that's
an-other good thing you can say...
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