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Horrorscopes

    When our vices leave us,
    we flatter ourselves with the credit
    of having left them...
            ---La Rochefoucauld
            ---Maxims, 192

ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
    It grieves the Gypsy Woman deeply to be the bearer of such awful news, but the Gypsy Woman must re-veal what is seen. Your marriage is over, you'll be fired from your high-paying job and be forced to sleep under a bridge. Your health will fail as will your eyesight. Your former friends will abandon you as will your family. Lice will be your only companions.
    But cheer up. All is not lost. Before long it will be Holiday season and there will be more to dive for in city dumpsters.
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
    Your stubbornness brings you continuing trou-ble in personal and business relationships. Your need to domi-neer and control drives people away in every en-deavor. These traits in and of themselves are not necessar-ily bad. Unfortunately, you are stupid too.
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
    Lemme see...what can be said about the Gemini that hasn't been said before. Comely in appearance, buff of body, pure of mind, clear of conscience, kind to animals and old folks. Scratch a genius, find a Gemini. Gemini, thy name is Groovy...
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
    This is the most unpleasant time of the year for the Gypsy Woman. This is the time when what is seen must be revealed. Cancers suck. They steal things they don't need...commit random acts of yukiness against total strangers...they lie when the truth would serve better. Can-cers can't be trusted to get a loaf of bread from the store and bring back the change.
    On the flip side, you can never lose your wallet or purse around a Cancer, 'cause they always know ex-actly where it is...
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
    Of all members of the great unwashed masses that the Gypsy Woman is forced to associate with from time to time, Leo's are by far the bitchiest and whiniest. You know what they say...they say "Hey - how 'bout giv-ing Leos a break this month Gypsy Woman, we ain't so bad...we're people you know..." Okay. So here it goes. Leo's are all very, very nice. There you are. Are you happy now? Do you really think I care?
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
    Virgos should be branded with a scarlet "D" for Dumbass. I knew a Virgo one time who wrote a bank rob-bery note on his own deposit slip. I knew a Virgo once who wanted to study cosmetology because he was fasci-nated with the planets and stars.
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
    When you get right down to it Libras are not re-ally all that bad. They're just sorta bland, actually. They can't make up their minds about anything and they strad-dle the fence so much they often invest in a saddle. One thing about it, you can always count on the Libra to take your side...but only every other time...
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
    Sign of the poison bug, Scorpios are creepy as hell, back-stabbers, dirty dealers...the skunks of the Zo-diac. When the ce-lestial signs were being drawn up the sign of the WEASEL only lost by one vote.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
    Call me an incurable optimist but I really think that things could be lookin' up for you Sagittarians this month. That unsightly acne that has been repulsing people for years may clear up. Your toenail fungus will run its course and that rapid hair loss that you've been complain-ing about will finally leave you completely bald and POOF! - your hair cares will be over.
    And people say I never say anything good about Sagittarius!!!
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
    Vanity is what the Capricorn is most known for. They spend a fortune and waste hours of valuable time get-ting their drivers license photo re-shot. They refuse to go to work on bad hair days...they go to the emergency room for a broken nail and bandage their entire head at the first sign of a zit. Of course, this does usually improve their looks dramatically...
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
    Wouldn't it be great if you just woke up tomor-row and you were a Gemini? But that's not gonna happen now is it? You're just gonna be an Aquarius all your lousy, un-productive and futile life, and there ain't nothin' you can do about it.
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
    There actually IS one good thing that can be said about Pisces...Cancers are worse...'cause they DO bathe bi-annually and change their socks on New Year's Eve. Pisces is most happy when wallowing in a Poland China hog-sty. Give 'em some ran-cid slop and just sit back and watch the ecstasy.
    Which, I guess, is rather entertaining, so that's an-other good thing you can say...

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