Nightflying: The Entertainment Guide

ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
    You will meet a short, pale former acquaintance…who will accompany you on a short journey to a place that will seem very familiar…after asking for prayers and money…then you will enjoy a feast of everly sweet and heavenly food… Then you realize you've just been to the pancake supper down at the New Freewill Baptist Church of the Nazarene Holy Ghost with Benny…your third cousin who just moved back from Ada, Oklahoma...

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
    You find yourself unable to enjoy sweet and heavenly food…and unable to forgive yourself for having turned down that first marriage proposal from your first and only true love…many is the night you have lain awake and agonized over what might have been…a home, a family, happiness and love have all passed you by…'til your final breath you will pine for the love of ol', uh, whatever their name was…

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
    Just refer to the last 36 issues of Nightflying - same good ole Gemini stuff…

CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
    Remember Eddie Haskell on "Leave It To Beaver?" Remember Pig Pen in "Peanuts?" Remember Evil Eye Fleagle in "Li'l Abner?" Remember that psycho bitch that Glenn Close played in "Fatal Attraction?" Cancers.... Have a nice day…

LEO
(July 23-August 22)
    One time there was this Leo I knew who won the New York State Lottery for six million bucks and you know what? They whined because they only got paid $500,000 a year for twelve years (plus interest) instead of all of it at once…

VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
    Shut out the lights and call the law, Virgo's back in town. Never has the parasitic criminal mind had a more fertile host than in the rancid carcass of the Virgo…Hitler, Manson, Capone, Nixon…all Virgos…

LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
    Also known as "The Balance," the Libra is oft found, upon closer examination, to be the pivot point in the world of chaos. Where there's a scatalogical typhoon, there's likely to be Libra…

SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
    Vindictive, vicious, vile, devious, duplicious, doofussly dweeboid and creepy, all these things describe the Scorpio…oh, I left out smelly...

SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
    Sign of the Archer, the Sag pretends to be a "straight shooter" who says stuff like "You know me, I couldn't tell a lie if I wanted to" or "I bet I'm the least manipulative person you've ever met." Never turn your back on a Sagittarius…unless in retreat…

CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
    Just when you think the Capricorn is the most wishy-washy, namby-pamby person you've ever known, that's when they go for the throat. Capricorn: the gossip, the backstabber, the master of personality disguise…known as "the goat"…better described as "the snake"…

AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
    The 'water-bearer' should be more accurately described as the 'bull-slinger.' Tell an Aquarius something - anything - by the time it gets back to you many things have changed. Example: "Hey Aquarius, Freddy told me to tell you that he won't be at the P. T. A. meeting Wednesday because he has to go to his sister's wedding." Aquarian version to the P. T. A.: "Freddy's not here tonight because he's gone to a satanic worship service at which his sister will become the bride of the devil, but he said to say he'll be here next week…"

PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
    There's always something fishy goin' on when there's a Pisces around…business deals never seem to work out quite right…partnerships dissolve unexpectedly…marriages explode…et cetera, et cetera… Pisces: the True Bottom Feeder of the Zodiac…

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