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Man is
the only animal that blushes.
Or needs to.
---Mark Twain
ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
You feel as tho' you've been cut up and spit
out...you've struck out in the Super Bowl of Life...you realize that
life has dealt you an unlevel playing field...
Here's your problem...
You are an obvious victim of M.M.S. (a relatively
recent medical classification...Mixed Metaphor Syndrome...)
This problem makes friends and acquaintances but
makes you look like a complete idiot.
There is no known cure, and my advice is to never
count your chickens because they never change their
shorts…
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
You had frog legs at dinner, and chicken fingers at
lunch, pork butt for breakfast and hog jowls for brunch.
Let me suggest braces for your frog legs and a good
aloe vera lotion for the chicken fingers.
Try a 300 calorie a day diet for your pork butt and
for the hog jowls, just slip a sack of some kind over your head…
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
Being a Gemini is better than your Momma lettin' you
have pecan pie for every meal.
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Cancel your plans for a European vacation...Cancers
will no longer be allowed to enter via most major seaports and all
transcontinental air carriers now refuse to service you... You
may get a ticket on a slow boat to China, but only by fraud and
de-ception...
Stay at home and live out your pathetic life without
inflict-ing yourself on others.
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
I damn near had a heart-attack two weeks ago.
I met a Leo in a bar that didn't whine and bitch.
Turns out the guy had been in an altercation outside
a fast-food place over poor service and quality of the food there, and
some little teenage girl broke his jaw for him.
Just goes to show ya... A Leo that doesn't
complain proba-bly has his jaws wired shut.......
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
Talkin' about Virgo is a lot like talkin' about rice
cakes...there's not much to say 'cause there's not much to
'em.......
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
If you see a Libra at a charity fund-raiser, working
as a vol-unteer, check and double-check contributions.
The Libra never does anything for nothin'...The
Libra acts to benefit the Libra…
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Scorpios are often mistaken for normal people.
They can seem quiet and unassuming but you can bet your last pan of hog
slops that they're deep in thought.
Con games, to be successful, require some planning
and in this the Scorpio expends large amounts of his or her limited
in-tellect…
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Sags are notorious for making promises they don't
intend to keep... It's easy to promise this and that and easier
still to make excuses later…
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
The physical laws of cause and effect come to mind.
Capricorn is the cause, chaos is the effect.
The Capricorn loves to stir the pot then leave the
stew to burn...blame is for all but the Capricorn...
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
Having ridden the love-generation wave of the 70s to
its final astrological shore...the washed-up Aquarian perches atop
faded memories too vague to relate to others except for an oc-casional
"Oh Wow!" or "Far-Out!"
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
The Gypsy Woman, who knows all and sees all, has
realized at long last the dire mistakes she has made in years' past
regard-ing the nature of Pisces...
The Gypsy Woman wishes to make amends...
If one Pisces can come forward and solve this simple
mathematical equation, I will apologize for all past slights either
real or perceived...
Q.: 2 + 2 = ?
Yeah.
I didn't think so...
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