ARIES
(March 21-April 19) 
    Your entire life has been spent in enduring one consequence of failure after another. It seems that elusive Lady Luck has successfully avoided you lo these many years. Cheer up, 'cause the times they are a-changin'...you know those little numbers in the bottle caps that let you win cash or other valuable prizes? You gonna get 40 cents off your next purchase of Legs pantyhose or a small tin of Scoal.......
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
    The future holds adventure and romance in the coming days...all those loves gone bad will soon fade into memory when you find yourself cornered in a blind alley by six escaped Puerto Rican serial killers armed with razor sharp butter knives tipped with salmonella-impregnated, week-old mayonnaise...you are rescued at the last minute by a mutant breed of Eurasian pit bulls known as boo-koo-chew chows, all of whom fall immediately in love with either or both of your lower legs...their amorous stamina is surpassed only by their lack of technique (much like your ex-spouse).......
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
    Ho-hum sighs the ever calm bringer of joy and good things...after inventing a solvent composed of ordinary sand and sewer water...the Gemini bequeaths this priceless boon to mankind for the token remuneration of $1.00, after fortuitously discovering that the miracle goop can reverse the ecological devastation of even the most disastrous of major crude oil spills... Think nothin' of it, says the soft-spoken presenter of hope to the planet...it's all in a day's work, say's Gemini as he humbly accepts the Nobel Prize for overall grooviness...all in a day's work.......
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
    Having run out of nice things to say about the Cancer...astrologers the world over first vote to drop Cancer as a sign of the Zodiac...but finally, in a token gesture of compassion...decide to change the sign to "Chicken Pox" in an effort to downplay the general tone of despair associated with those born under the creepiest of all signs.......
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
    Legend has it that the first multi-celled organism to slither from the slop-jar of Time's evolutionary goo and become earth's first land-dweller was...you guessed it...that old trend-setter...Leo....Unfortunately, the legend also has it that, due to some perverse Faustian, galactic, unspoken law, the Leo agreed to remain in its original slimy and wholly repulsive state for all time, and so we observe the Leo today.
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
    As a prime example of "Homo-Erectus Macho Doofus," Virgo best represents those traits which are most desirable...unfortunately, these traits are only desirable to a small, isolated Aboriginal tribe of 6-toed genetic cross-breeds known as "Yak-Butted-Stem-Winders." These unique subhuman fur-bearing reptiles are of absolutely no value to society. They spend their days resting up the for the nights' activity, which involves snoring, grunting and cover-jerking. Recent studies indicate, however, that the Yak-Butted-Stem-Winder, when introduced into the human diet as an experimental protein source, were found to taste nothing like chicken.......
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
    Its male members are often thought to be victims of a side-effect thought to be resultant of years of disgusting inbreeding with their female counterparts... The condition referred to as "the unfortunate making of more Virgos" was, at one point in history, thought to be the Biblical Revelation of the prophet Amos, who spake "Ye: lest we keepest apart the sons and daughters of Virgo...so shall the face of the Earth be infested with a spawn of man-kind much lower than dogs...and so shall these lowly beings increase and multiply 'til they number greater than the bumps on the green ass of a wet frog...I told you so..." signed, Amos.......
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
    Most anthropologists agree that the world's first human was a Scorpio...these speculations were recently all but scientifically verified when archaeological teams in northern Africa unearthed the nest of the world's first Scorpio...indisputable corroboration includes lots of real rusty old Plymouths up on blocks in the front yard and piles of rubbish consisting primarily of chewed-up sunflower seeds and crushed Schlitz Malt Liquor cans.......
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
    The Sagittarian's most notable features are beady little shifty eyes and a penchant for tending to the concerns of all others....the Sagittarian is possessed of an intellect, but in at least 80% of the cases tested, the amount possessed was immeasurable on any known scale. Due to the difficulty encountered in the spelling of this sign by its members...most of those polled indicated a desire to spell Sagittarius G.R.U.N.T. henceforth.......                    
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
    For those born under the sign of Capricorn,
Life's meaning is clear...Party when you want to; work when you can, eat at your Mom's house as often as she'll let
you, and never change socks that are still pliable and still seem to be nearly the same color as they were when you put them on.......
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
    The Aquarian is famous for dressing up like a member of any remote Asian religious cult and then setting up shop in the local air-port terminal. The Aquarian may choose to sell flowers, lapel buttons with catchy, trendy sayings, or Kool-Aid. What he sells while in this guise is not important....what is important, is that his profits are always spent on supporting organizations which promote the belief that users of smokeless tobacco are far sexier than Southern Baptist Republicans, who prefer bag-pipe music to the sound of classically trained Tiny Tim imitators, softly whistling the chorus of "Bridge Over The River Kwai".......
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
    Sometimes in life things as well as people are not what they may seem to be. Examples: 1.) The tiny ant can actually carry many times its own weight; 2.) The ungainly ostrich is actually quite graceful when on the run and can attain speeds of over 40 miles per hour. Likewise, the Pisces of either gender might well appear to be trustworthy, of moderate intelligence, and to be trained in at least some of the social graces.......
 

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