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Man is the only animal that blushes.
Or needs to.
            ---Mark Twain

ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
    You feel as tho' you've been cut up and spit out...you've struck out in the Super Bowl of Life...you realize that life has dealt you an unlevel playing field...
    Here's your problem...
    You are an obvious victim of M.M.S. (a relatively recent medical classification...Mixed Metaphor Syndrome...)
    This problem makes friends and acquaintances but makes you look like a complete idiot.
    There is no known cure, and my advice is to never count your chickens because they never change their shorts…
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
    You had frog legs at dinner, and chicken fingers at lunch, pork butt for breakfast and hog jowls for brunch.
    Let me suggest braces for your frog legs and a good aloe vera lotion for the chicken fingers.
    Try a 300 calorie a day diet for your pork butt and for the hog jowls, just slip a sack of some kind over your head…
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
    Being a Gemini is better than your Momma lettin' you have pecan pie for every meal.
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
    Cancel your plans for a European vacation...Cancers will no longer be allowed to enter via most major seaports and all transcontinental air carriers now refuse to service you... You may get a ticket on a slow boat to China, but only by fraud and de-ception...
    Stay at home and live out your pathetic life without inflict-ing yourself on others.
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
    I damn near had a heart-attack two weeks ago. I met a Leo in a bar that didn't whine and bitch.
    Turns out the guy had been in an altercation outside a fast-food place over poor service and quality of the food there, and some little teenage girl broke his jaw for him.
    Just goes to show ya... A Leo that doesn't complain proba-bly has his jaws wired shut.......
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
    Talkin' about Virgo is a lot like talkin' about rice cakes...there's not much to say 'cause there's not much to 'em.......
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
    If you see a Libra at a charity fund-raiser, working as a vol-unteer, check and double-check contributions.
    The Libra never does anything for nothin'...The Libra acts to benefit the Libra…
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
    Scorpios are often mistaken for normal people. They can seem quiet and unassuming but you can bet your last pan of hog slops that they're deep in thought.
    Con games, to be successful, require some planning and in this the Scorpio expends large amounts of his or her limited in-tellect…
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
    Sags are notorious for making promises they don't intend to keep... It's easy to promise this and that and easier still to make excuses later…
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
    The physical laws of cause and effect come to mind.
    Capricorn is the cause, chaos is the effect.
    The Capricorn loves to stir the pot then leave the stew to burn...blame is for all but the Capricorn...
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
    Having ridden the love-generation wave of the 70s to its final astrological shore...the washed-up Aquarian perches atop faded memories too vague to relate to others except for an oc-casional "Oh Wow!" or "Far-Out!"
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
    The Gypsy Woman, who knows all and sees all, has realized at long last the dire mistakes she has made in years' past regard-ing the nature of Pisces...
    The Gypsy Woman wishes to make amends...
    If one Pisces can come forward and solve this simple mathematical equation, I will apologize for all past slights either real or perceived...
    Q.: 2 + 2 = ?
    Yeah.
    I didn't think so...

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