Nightflying: The Entertainment Guide

ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
The life you have chosen begins to become a source of deep concern to close family and friends as the price of wool continues to plummet. Though the life of a shepherd, espe-cially in this geographic area, may give pause for thoughts regarding job security, you should steadfastly bide in the field you have chosen. If push should ever comes to shove, you can always fall back on your training as a snow-cone salesman or a slimy two-bit grifter…

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
'Til the rivers all run dry, 'til the oceans no longer are salty, 'til the stars no longer shine, Taurus will always believe what he believes...beyond convincing, trust, logic, or pain...hence the high number of Taureans on the member-ship roles of the Flat Earth Society…

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
When man was first conceived of in the innermost portals of divine thought, Gemini sprang forth as the ideal, the model for what we now know as humankind. Mister Doright. Mister I'm OK You're OK. The Gemini is always there...if only to serve as the apex of human expectation…

CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
This year should hold many unusual opportunities for the Cancer who is willing to sit up and take notice. Your opinions and expertise are held as valuable beyond price...but, alas, only by you…

LEO
(July 23-August 22)
It's past time the Leo got a break...keep your chin up... shoot for the moon...and, at times of confusion and low self-esteem, invoke the ever-workable "I don't take no crap from nobody and if I'm wrong I'll apologize later" rule. Don't de-spair...I've seen things go on like this for months and then turn off reeaal bad…

VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
There ain't nothin' that the Virgo can't or won't try. Unfortunately, their success rate is far below their willing-ness quotient…

LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
The balance, always eager to espouse his belief on right and wrong, good and bad, black and white...the Libra never can decide on sweetened or unsweetened, smoking or non-smoking, jalapeño or plain, et cetera…

SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Lay low; don't invest; double your insurance; store a large quantity of food; accept no invitations; cross your fingers; beware of dogs; try nothing new; don't blow your own horn; always travel with a clean pair of socks…

SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
This isn't gonna be a good year for relation-ships...your mother will change her name (for numero-logical purposes) to Yolanda, Queen of Iguanas and re-move you as sole beneficiary of her estate in favor of a Prus-sian tap dancer who is the head of a small cult of Bill "Bojangles" Robinson worshippers located outside Cleve-land, Ohio. Your spouse will divorce you in order to become a fully-devoted Amway salesperson and your two teenaged children will spend $2000 of their college fund on legal ex-penses to have you legally declared a dweeb. Shave your head ands become a Telly Savalas stand-in…

CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
The Capricorn is often taken for granted. An early 19th century political movement which proposed that all Capricorns be deported could account for an extreme lack of self-confidence. High water weight gain is the accepted sci-en-tific explanation for the Capricorn's need to eat off your plate and sleep in your front yard...no improvement in sight...

AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
A glimmer of hope is all the Aquarian needs to go on. Unfortunately, he often mistakes turn signals and caution lights for that aforementioned, long-sought glimmer…

PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
Ah, last but not least...the yard carp of society's lawn decorations...the Pisces, though not too smart nor too athletic, is always willing to step in and help.... The Pisces has many redeeming features, but the one that stands out in everyone's mind is: you can always count on the Pisces to bring Hal-loween candy to an Easter egg hunt…

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