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ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
Merry Christmas Airhead, Santy ain't bringin' you nuthin 'cause you been too dumb...better luck next year…loser…
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
You think you're so smart that you tell all the little kids there's no
such thing as Santa...you make 'em cry, but I know better 'cause I saw
him on TV...you're probably not gonna get anything but a bag of
switches on Christmas morn…
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
Geminis always get the best stuff and the most of it, 'cause they'rre
always good all year long...sometimes they're so nice they share their
stuff with creepy ol' Aries who don't usually get presents…
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
You never watch out, you cry, you pout, and when Santa comes to town
and finds out you been bad, he takes your milk and cookies and leaves
you a bag of coal...it happens every year and you never change, so
don't whine…
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
You gripe and whine all year long; you don't behave good and sometimes
you tell big fat lies...Santa doesn't like this...in fact sometimes he
leaves cobra snakes in Leo's stockings just to make you remember that
you're a whiny little rat…
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
Back in Germany a long time ago, when the Christmas
tradition was only a few hours old, Kris Kringle would sometimes leave
dribble glasses and exploding cigars for all the creepy Virgo
kids...now he doesn't as much as he used to, but if you keep it up, he
just might leave you an exploding glass or a dribble cigar…
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
Libras really can't help it, but since they usually complain or make
snide remarks about the few presents they do get, few people except
their parents bother to buy them anything at all. This makes Libras
feel good 'cause then they can say "nobody loves me," which is true…
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Not many people know this, but 'way back a long time
ago there were four wisemen from the East, but the fourth wiseman, who
was really a dumb-ass and not a wiseman at all, was too lazy and
selfish to go with the three real wisemen to Bethlehem and so now on
Christmas Eve when the stars shine and flicker in the crisp and clear
evening sky, there often is seen a shooting star which, upon fallimng
from the heavens, crashes to earth and squishes some creepy Scorpio
somewhere in commemoration of that dumb-ass wiseman from the East so
long ago…
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
The Sagittarius is known as a cheapskate and a
shylock and so, around this time of year, the Sagittarians I know go
around to everyone who owes them money and collects, with interest.
Then, to save money, they shoplift cheap gifts from discount stores to
give to people who don't need them and, after Christmas, borrow them
and never return them…
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19
The Capricorn has good intentions but seldom follows
through. You'll seldom find gifts for Capricorns under the
tree...except for the ones they buy themselves…
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
When sleigh bells ring and snow is glisteningething. Anyway, yeah, that
was me when the world is flowing with the spirit of Christmas and
giving, the Aquarian books a flight to some tropical isle, returning to
pick up his gifts from othersafter giving time is done…
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
Pisces always open up presents that don't belong to 'em and pick out
the best ones, then re-wrap 'em and put their names on the tags.
Sometimes a Pisces will add his name to the tag as a giver of the
gift…
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