Nightflying: The Entertainment Guide

Dear Gypsy Woman,
    How do you come up with the horrorscopes? Hope you don't mind me asking all these questions. How did you come up with the name Gypsy Woman? Why do you need all that information when someone writes to you? Who is the Gypsy woman? Sorry to make this so short and hope to hear from you soon.
    P. S. What is the cosmic truth?
    signed,
    Jody Austin
    102 Chinaberry Circle
    Hot Springs, AR 71901

My Child,
    Answers to the mysteries of the universe are not revealed merely for the asking. Those of my people who have been blessed with the gift of cosmic vision are few and all but a few of them choose to remain silent on these matters. Only rarely does a true seer receive the celestial message which directs that he (or she) share the truth with others.
    I am one of the chosen ... how I arrive at the individual astrologically determined remarks for each sign is as simple as a child's parlor game, yet as complicated as oriental logarithmic bingo backwards. The mighty gates which bar the entrance to the city of truth are unlocked only by those who hold the key....
    I am called "Gypsy Woman" only because that is the name by which I choose to be known ... those of my calling have borne many names but "Gypsy Woman" seemed to have a catchy commercial feel to it ... and anyway, that's the name my astrologer suggested.
    The reasons for requesting information such as name, address, phone, and social security number should be obvious: These are obligatory, numerical, cotangential, problematic absolutes which, when integrated into a complex secret, calculatory, celestial, planetary equation, then coupled with the rare gift of knowledge granted the true cosmic visionary, reveal the secrets of what the future holds for those who seek its boon (or bane).
    Also, sometimes if I know your name, address, and phone number, I can sell that information to any of the grossly creepy pathetic jerks and nerds who pay me big bucks to subscribe to my computerized dating service.
    The social security number is of value only on those rare occasions when I am contacted by the odd criminal or fugitive who needs phony I. D. in order to leave the country, elude pursuers, or run some con game.
    Also sometimes I just write it on the walls in public toilets under the heading "For a guaranteed good time (and you know what I mean) just call so-and-so, etc ... this is just a whimsical little past time of mine, unrelated to cosmic revelations ... I just happen to get a little sick chuckle out of it ... Gypsies like to have a laugh just as much as the next guy you know.
    Finally, after these tearfully tedious and tutorial terrestrial truths are revealed, I gather all notes, computer disks, graph paper, scratch sheets, and calculator tapes and unceremoniously dump 'em in the trash ... then I make up some really creepy personally insulting comments about all of the signs of the Zodiac (except for Geminis) and send 'em to the editor, Peter Read, who cuts the individual comments into little bitty pieces and prints whatever dumb crap happens to appear in the astrological column of any out-of-state newspaper he can get for free; then he prints a picture of some goofy lookin' guy in some kind of thrift store costume that's supposed to make him look like Ruta Lenska or somebody and, well, that's about it ... sorry if I busted your cosmic bubble, but that's the way it's done.
    As for your final question, "What is the cosmic truth?" you don't need a crystal ball to find that out. Work hard; laugh as much as you can; be better to your neighbors and you'll have better neighbors; mind your own business; tell the truth or shut up; be nice to kids, dogs, musicians, and the guys who picks up your trash; don't give advice you ain't been asked for; don't smoke on elevators or drive drunk; be on time; go fishin'; don't whine, shop-lift or litter; do recycle; play to win but be a good sport; defend what's right but admit when you're wrong; count honor as one of the six senses; respect folks; listen very closely to to the words of young children; and never, ever give your name, address, phone, and social security number to a strange guy dressed as a lady fortune teller...and that is the "cosmic truth."
    signed,
    The Gypsy Woman

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