Nightflying - The Entertainment Guide

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Horrorscopes

Zodiac
       St. Gypsy Woman

Best of Burger (1949 - 1998)

"Only the shallow know themselves..." — Oscar Wilde

ZodiacARIES
(March 21-April 19)

Sign of the big "I don't know." Indecision plagues the Aries like a medieval epidemic - the classic response to a choking person is to mutter "sorry, baby, you be dead meat" instead of providing a helpful Heimlich squeeze. The Aries also sucks his teeth and picks his nose...

ZodiacTAURUS
(April 20-May 20)

Bull-oney... Taurus jives all o' de time... never a straight answer nor a true direction. The Taurus is so full of it that the eyes seem fuzzy. Never ask the Taurus how to find your way to the subway 'cause you might find yourself on a bus...

ZodiacGEMINI
(May 21-June 20)

Ah, the thoroughbred of humankind. The Gemini never never errs, always knows what's what. Gemini is what all others strive to be... my God, what a fabulous thing it is to be a Gemini and what a crummy thing to be anything else...

ZodiacCANCER
(June 21-July 22)

Well, I guess you gotta give credit where credit is due... for a bunch of yuckos born under a sign with the name of a disease, I guess their very survival is testimony to some degree of determination. Pity the fool who hangs out with the Cancer... bad luck and trouble rub off like cheap lubricants...

ZodiacLEO
(July 23-August 22)

You will meet a tall, dark stranger. He will give you money... to pay your bus fare to oblivion. His name is Larry; his friend is Rick. You might survive, but I doubt it. All is prob-ably lost, but Leo don't really hear... take it as it comes. Your lack of gumption is your only consistent personality trait...

ZodiacVIRGO
(August 23-September 22)

Keep to the left side of the street at all times. Steal only what you can carry and use only enough butch wax to make the short curls shine. Slyness may be considered a virtue this month, for you probably will have to break in line at the plasma center by screaming "All the needles are dirty! The nurse is a vampire who only stashes your blood... you will be paid in Confederate dollars..."

ZodiacLIBRA
(September 23-October 22)

Your personal hygiene becomes a topic of conversation at your place of employment. Your teeth match your teal green socks and your zits are too big to describe. Your two left feet cause you to walk in counterclockwise circles. Your mother moved away while you were on guard duty. If you come to my house, you will be shot on sight...

ZodiacSCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)

Scorpios will discover marked improvement in social skills, earning them much-longed-for-relationships. Change your name to Jimmy and join the fellowship of Christian Amway Dealers. Lock your car when shop­ping at Wal-Mart and spend all your spare time patting your head and rubbing your belly. Everybody knows you suck like a vacuum cleaner so take the energy you would have used denying it to clean your room...it is a sty and you are a pig...

ZodiacSAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)

Your life is a series of ups and downs... unfortunately, the downs seem to droop into an ever-deepening well of slime-flooded valleys while your ups seem to compare with hiccoughs. Your toes are longer than your fingers and your hair is as greasy as a cheap bowl of chili. Your family has inbred for so many years that your chins have found genetic rest in your ear cartilage. Don't despair, however, for with a lot of luck and hard work, you can pass for Cro-Magnon when the lights are low...

ZodiacCAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)

Capricorn - shmapricorn... your feet are flat and so is your chest... back-biting is second nature to you and your social status declines in proportion to gravity's daily toll on your butt. A tummy tuck would help, if you could only find a doctor who tucks by the pound. Kidney pie is your favorite food and hogs scurry to their troughs when your stomach growls...

ZodiacAQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)

Water signs are prone to cry at any public gathering and Aquarius is no exception. Last time you stood alone on a street corner, the police gave you a ticket for gathering without a permit. You are so fat that the security guard at the last outdoor concert you attended advised you to break it up. When you see-saw, two large walruses and a hefty sea cow discuss their vertigo before they agree to ride...

ZodiacPISCES
(February 19-March 20)

Take it on the lam for parts unknown... which in your case could be anywhere in your neighborhood. Your lack of personality causes passing motorists to deposit unmetered mail in your sagging mouth. Your ill-fated marriage to a Lebanese hockey player causes your paranoia to peak. Watch for falling debris and keep your platform shoes tied...

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